If you are in a relationship you will have conflict...just accept it. Conflict is the product of differing opinions and perspectives, especially when the opinion of one conflicts with the opinion of another. While  you cannot control whether or not you will experience relational conflict, you can control whether or not it strengthens or destroys your relationship. Unhealthy conflict can lead to a number of undesired outcomes. Healthy conflict can build relational intimacy because it requires collaboration and results in increased understanding and acceptance of your partner. If you would like to learn how to navigate conflict in a healthy way- keep reading.

1. Emotionally regulate

When you are emotionally escalated you are putting your emotions in the driver’s seat. They are telling you how to think, how to perceive your partner, and how to respond to them. The challenge is, while your feelings are valid, they are your feelings and may not accurately reflect the reality of the situation. And, when emotions are heightened, rational thinking is limited. And rational thinking is necessary to assess and process the situation. So, before you begin resolving a conflict with your partner- assess your emotional intensity; and if necessary, use coping skills to regulate your emotions.

2. Make sure you both agree on the problem

You would not believe how many couples cannot reach a resolution simply because they are trying to solve different problems. Oftentimes the issue is understood but the confusion is around the problem that needs to be resolved. For example-Mr. and Mrs. Brown keep blowing their budget-this is the issue. Mr. Brown believe that the problem is overspending, Mrs. Brown believes that the problem is not enough income. Conflict is on the horizon because they will both start trying to solve different problems. Healthy communication skills are necessary to hear your  partner and understand their perspective. Then you can come to a consensus on the problem that needs to be solved.

3. Brainstorm solutions

Once you have identified the problem  you can start working towards solutions. One person may come with some solutions already identified or it may be a completely blank slate that you build together. Try to make an exhaustive list because you may find that the first solution you try is not successful. Remember the brainstorming phase is just a time to generate ideas. It is not a time to make decisions about which idea is best or discuss the good and bad of each option. This should be an easy step, unless you are struggling to come up with ideas.

4. Identify the solution you want to implement

Now it is time to review your list of potential solutions and determine which one you want to put into action. This may require some negotiation if you and your partner do not agree on which solution to start with. It may be helpful to think of this as a hypothesis testing phase. You may not start with the idea that you think it best but, if it is truly the best idea-you will likely have an opportunity to implement it. So, be patient with your partner and be willing to explore their ideas.

5. Make sure you are both clear on next steps before ending

Just like problem solving can impede conflict resolution, a lack of clarity on next steps instigates unnecessary conflict. I have met with a number of couples navigating conflict and many conflicts are intensified because the partners did not take the time to ensure clarity on next steps. Do not walk away until this step is completed! Don’t be afraid to ask questions for clarity. Overcommunicate if needed. Be as detailed as possible.

6. Debrief

After implementing the plan come back to the table and discuss how it went. If the problem was unresolved select a different solution to implement. Continue working through your list until you find a solution that works. Even if the problem is resolved through this process, it is still beneficial to debrief and process your experience. You and your partner can discuss the highs and lows of the conflict. Discuss communication strengths and areas for growth. Review what you learned about each other and yourselves through the process. Take responsibility for individual areas of growth and communicate plans for change to your partner.

You don’t have to be afraid of conflict in your relationship. When you are armed with the right tools it can be used as a tool to make your relationship stronger.